Thirty-one

Brianna and I are back from our trip to Asheville. We went Thursday and got back late Saturday. It was a fast trip full of love, good memories, sadness, joy, and lots of time missing Anna. We loved our time with Anna's parents. They did such a great job making Brianna feel so at home (me too!), and shared so many things with us that Anna loved. I absolutely loved seeing my girl enjoy movies, books, food, and tea parties that Anna loved so much.

Brianna on the plane bright and early!

Thursday, we went and got the Mountain Eclair from a local bakery that Anna loved to get anytime she visited her parents. It was huge and Nan, Brianna and I all shared it. I could see why Anna loved it!

We then went and got balloons and Brianna insisted on 4 green and 4 pink and a Winnie the Pooh balloon to put where Anna is laid to rest. Green and pink have been Anna's favorite colors since she was younger than Joshua! Even at 30 she absolutely loved those colors. Brianna loves picking out pink and green things and having it remind her of her Godmother. She also loves that Pooh and Piglet are favorites they share.

Brianna waiting for balloons for her Godmother

Friday, Anna's birthday, we got up and had some of Anna's favorites for breakfast, and then went to the Biltmore. Brianna and I had never been and we enjoyed seeing the biggest house in America! Then, we went to the farm at the Biltmore. We saw so many animals...Anna would have just loved it.

Steve, Brianna and Nan in front of the Biltmore


We loved that this chicken was just on top of this goat and he didn't mind!

After the Biltmore we headed home and Nan read more of Anna's favorite childhood stories to Brianna and we got Anna's favorite dinner ready, and while it was cooking we went to where Anna is laid to rest and scattered rose petals over her and Shawn had come and put flowers. Brianna added some artificial flowers that will last when we are away. We then went home and had dinner and a tea party with chocolate birthday cake in honor of Anna. Brianna made the icing on the cake and was so proud! We then watched a Shirley Temple movie that Anna loved to watch when she was young. Brianna loved it! It was extremely difficult, but full of beautiful love for Anna and talk about memories that were joyful, and tried to take comfort that even though we are sad...Anna is full of joy.

I love this picture of Brianna with Anna's Buddy dog

Buddy watching Nan set up the birthday tea party...Brianna put in green and pink candles for her Godmother

On Saturday Brianna helped feed the birds with Mr. Steve, and loved it! We then walked the dogs and saw cows and calves on our walk! Brianna loved walking Buddy. I love petting Buddy and knowing my hands are stroking Anna's dog, and that she pet him so many times. Many of our talks were while she was walking Buddy. I feel a strong connection to her Buddy dog. We then ate lunch, and had one last tea party-Brianna got to have 3 during our visit! Then, we headed home. Was that crazy! A mechanical problem in Asheville made us miss our connection in Atlanta. Then, we get to Atlanta and they had booked us on a 9pm flight home. Which meant I had a very tired and hungry girl on my hands. Luckily they found room on a 6:50 flight...so we were only 1.5 hours later getting home than we expected. I got dinner for Brianna as we ran through the airport, and she ate on the plane before we took off. I said, "Oooh, what an adventure!", and Brianna said, "An adventure of love". Totally, sweet girl. I had a friend tell me when I told him I worried about if I was making the right choice bringing Brianna, and he told me I was being such a great example of true friendship. Those words meant the world to me. Anna was an amazing friend, and example of true friendship every single day, and I pray I can be the type of friend she was to me every single day.

Feeding the birds

Brianna in front of the calf

walking Buddy on a super windy day!


Mr. G and Mrs. G at the tea party

Mrs. P and Miss P at the tea party

My girl...check out that pinky ;)


listening to Anna's favorite stories...Buddy and Skip were listening too!

It was interesting watching my girls grieve these past couple days. Mikayla I watched from afar, but boy are they different. Brianna gets quiet, and holds it all in. So, Thursday and Friday she was extremely quiet. Saturday she was her chatty self, but once we hugged the Gregory's good bye, we walked to security in the airport and with teary eyes Brianna asked if she could run and get one last hug and I said yes. So, then, we headed through security and go and sit by the gate and she lost it. She said she didn't want to leave because she liked being in North Carolina and feeling close to Anna. She didn't want to leave Ms. Nan and Mr. Steve and she said she just missed her Aunt Anna. It was hard, but good seeing her express these emotions. On Friday Nelson called me after dinner time when they were celebrating Anna at home with a chocolate cake. Mikayla was sobbing. Mikayla handles things a lot like me...needs to talk things out, has lots of questions and cries a lot. It was SO hard hearing these emotions and not being able to scoop her up and fix it. I told her her Aunt Anna is with her always in her heart, and that helped to calm her down. Sometimes I feel like my grief is so hard to bear because I bear all my children's grief too. Even with Joshua...I try every day to mention Anna to him because he won't have concrete memories with her, but he absolutely will have memories from me. It's so hard knowing my boy won't know his Aunt Anna, but I am grateful my girls will always have lasting memories.

"I thank my God upon every rememberance of you."~Philippians 1:3

One year later...

A year ago today I was in North Carolina celebrating Anna's 30th birthday. It's been a difficult day. Tomorrow I think will be harder. Tomorrow will be one year since our last embrace. It was a good day last February 20, 2011. I had no idea then how much that day would mean. Anna woke up with me and my family and made us breakfast: eggs, bacon, toast. Then, we got ready and packed up the car. We headed to a park where Anna and Shawn played with the kids. Then, we knew we needed to hit the road. We had to stop for lunch and Anna suggested Cheesecake Factory. I'm so glad we said yes. We had a nice lunch together that day. I remember hugging Anna as she was heading into the mall with Shawn and we were heading back to Florida. It was a big wonderful hug. It was full of love, and we clung a little longer since we would both miss each other as soon as we turned to walk away. The trip was so fast, and we cherished every minute together. I had no idea that would be my last time seeing my best friend.

Our last picture together on 2/19/11 at her 30th birthday party

Anna at the park with my girls on 2/20/11...Oh how they love their Aunt Anna

Brianna's last picture with her Godmother at the Cheesecake Factory on 2/20/11

I miss Anna terribly. It hasn't gotten easier, or more bearable. I am so grateful though that the Lord promises I will embrace Anna again. I'm grateful I know Anna's in heaven and that because of my relationship with the Lord I will be in heaven someday too!

The other day I registered Joshua for preschool, and it was a dreary rainy day, and I cried the whole way to the school. I cried because Anna would have felt every emotion with me. She would have been sad with me that my baby was big enough for school, and felt joy with me that he would have this new experience. We would have talked so much about it all, and I would have felt completely understood like she had an amazing way of making me feel. New things are really hard to do without Anna here. I had to remind myself that Anna's not upset about missing these things because she can only feel joy in heaven! What a gift! I'm grateful for the joy Anna feels. I wish that's all Anna had felt here on earth.

Thursday Brianna and I head to North Carolina to honor my best friend, and my girl's Godmother on her birthday. I am going to get to hug her parents who have been such a comfort in my life this past year. Brianna is going to get to watch movies Anna loved at Brianna's age, and play with her tea set with the baby doll her Aunt Anna gave her for her 5th birthday. It's going to be emotional, and hard, but definitely where I need to be. Anna would want this.

Difficult week ahead, but there is good throughout it all...in the love of my husband and children, new baby (not mine ;)!), loving family and friends, Ash Wednesday and the reminder of how Jesus did so much for us, and because of that I know Anna's in heaven and full of joy. 40 days Jesus went without food or water...then carried a cross, and died on that cross. He even screamed out, "God why have you forsaken me". So, to those of us who are human and get angry about the pain we feel we know Jesus understands. It comforts me to know that God is with us in this journey of grief, and at the end of my life here on earth I will be able to live eternally in His kingdom! I love that I envision Anna holding my baby in heaven and someday I will join them...oh how wonderful that will be.