Good reminder

I read a post that my neighbor wrote the other day, and it made me fear for my children's health and safety. My neighbor's son who has a twin sister is seven, and has cancer. He will be in chemo for 2.5 years. I hear about bad things happening every day. This world is really scary. I was reading my friend, Erin's blog, and she posted a verse that was helpful. "Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Today brings enough troubles of its own." Matthew 6:34. This was just what I needed to hear. I tend to worry about everything. I try to take on everything, and worry instead of giving it to God.

I prayed that night hard for everything, for my kids to stay healthy and safe, for them to outlive me, just everything. I feel kind of selfish when I worry about issues that arise with my children when their overall health is wonderful. I know though that for my individual child that whatever they are dealing with is important, but I also am so grateful that these are the things that worry us and cause us concern. God brought peace to my heart the next morning. Joshua has some speech concerns, and when I awoke after worrying so much about my kids Joshua was saying some words with the right annunciation that just days earlier he was saying incorrectly. We went grocery shopping and he rattled off everything I put into the cart correctly. He still has a long way to go, but it was so comforting to hear him speak so clearly when that's been worrying me so much.

Some of my favorites from today:

Going to the Disney store and hearing Joshua exclaim, "I'm so happy!". He loves running in and snuggling all his favorite stuffed characters!

His favorite melt my heart statement he makes now is, "Mommy, I need you". He says this often, and it gets me every time. It's his out of his crib card, his you don't need to eat anymore card, his stop cleaning up to join mommy card. He's a total final baby of the house and gets away with too much!

The girls are getting so big now, but luckily still need snuggles just as much as when they were little. Today they were tired from school and a play date at the park with friends, and were starting to get grumpy. I told them they needed mommy love, and they perked up and cuddled with me once we got home and went from grumpy to happy. It doesn't always work this way, but when it does it's so fulfilling. Like I'm all they need to feel better. It's the best confidence booster out there!

Disney with Sara and her family tomorrow...can't wait!! A field trip for my girlies on Monday! Life is good and when it gets hard don't worry about tomorrow!

Love

I feel like I'm good at love. I know pain, and I don't like it...and I know how to take painful moments and make them meaningful. I went through a lot when I was little, that most littles shouldn't/don't go through. Don't get me wrong. I have wonderful parents, and my mom tells me I taught her what love is. I did have a good childhood...but, there were painful times. Through those painful times I grew, and I made it my mission to love hard, and to never give up on those I love.

Sometimes loving so much is hard. Mostly though, it's good. It's rewarding, and fills my heart, and I hope I am filling other's hearts. I will fight tooth and nail for the people I love, and I'm so grateful for the family and friends I have.

Well, today, I honored Anna like it was my job. There were tears, okay...at some points sobs, but, I also laughed telling funny stories about my memories with Anna. I smiled as I watched my kids and my best friend, Sara's son, jump waves.

I dressed my kids for a day about Aunt Anna. Brianna in a pink tee with hearts, and Mikayla in a green tee with hearts (Anna's favorite colors), and Joshua was in a shirt with a pterodactyl...Nelson and Anna had the funniest pterodactyl impression. Me? I had a shirt with a heart and a beach scene. Perfect, huh?

I found these pink roses with a tint of green in them. Anna's favorite! I went in the laundry room to get a vase, and I pulled down the one with a cross...Anna sent it with beautiful flowers when we lost our baby. It was gut wrenching putting flowers in the vase that she sent because she was mourning my baby with me, and now here I am mourning her for the past year.

Sara, Dan and Evan came over and we ordered Hawaiian pizza...Anna and my favorite pizza. We then went to the beach. We attempted to send up sky lanterns...but apparently me, and sky lanterns don't mix well. It was too windy and we couldn't get it lit, or going the right direction. So, we jumped waves the way Anna's Granddaddy did with her, and Anna did with my girls. The girls helped Evan and Joshua and will teach them about jumping waves, and carry on this tradition. Anna showed us she was with us when there was a dolphin so close to shore that popped up. We watched it for awhile in awe. The kids were soaked head to toe, and I didn't even mind. We were honoring Anna, and Anna would have loved it. I hope she's able to see us from heaven.

I love how my family has traditions, and we have fun all the time. I love how my children knows what matters. I love how honoring their Aunt Anna was a special time, and that this is something that we will continue to do, and I hope when my kids have kids they continue this. It's not a tradition I ever would want, but it is what it is, and there is NO way I will ever let Anna's memory get lost. So, honoring her in this tradition, and sharing with my family memories, and things she loves will continue. Every day I talk about Anna to my kids, and even Joshua who lost his Aunt Anna at just 17 months old knows who his Aunt Anna is. Always choose love. A very difficult first anniversary ended with joy and love for Anna. We miss her so much, and are so grateful for all her love and memories that will fill us for a lifetime.

Almost a year....

" If ever there is a tomorrow that we are not together. . . there is something you must always remember! You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But, the most important thing is, even if we are apart. . .I will always be with you!" A.A. Milne

This quote is a Pooh and Piglet quote. Anna loved it, and Anna's mom recently reminded me of this quote. Anna is with me, and as the year anniversary is upon us I'm trying to hold onto that truth.

What a year. It's been HARD. At times I worried I was going into a depression, but I think this is normal grieving. I've just never had to grieve like this. When my Nannie passed away she was older, and you kind of expect to lose your grandparents. Then, when we lost our baby it was extremely difficult, but I was 12 weeks pregnant and was able to go on and have a healthy child. With Anna, I lost my best friend, my confidant of 18 years. How do you move on from that? I don't expect to ever be able to just go about life the way I used to. I do know that Anna wants me to enjoy my life here, and that with time that will get easier.

Anna taught me a lot. She saw the beauty in everything. She befriended everyone. She loved animals, and children, and was aware of God's beauty all around her. She loved my children as her own and I'm honored that she showed them such unconditional love. I've never been a big animal person, and since Anna's passing I find I have a soft spot for pets now! I'm not so quick to say something. Anna was really good to think before she spoke...and I always respected that so much. I would go to her with a problem and she would think it out and give perfect advice. Her ability to forgive was amazing. She so wanted to be a mother, and so I'm trying to be the best mother I can be since I am able. I feel like Anna is holding my baby in heaven and watching over the babies I get to raise here on earth. Anna's passing has also taught me not to take a moment for granted. Her sudden and shocking death at 30 years old has made me realize how precious every second is. We are not guaranteed a tomorrow. I feel like though, I've gotten too insensitive when others are going through something that's big to them, but not big compared to death. I think, well, at least you are alive! I'm working on that. I know a lot of that is the newness of losing Anna, and that the fact that I recognize that is a good thing. It's just hard. I miss Anna so much.

I am flooded with all the emotions of that horrible Monday night on August 4th lately. I hear that's normal around the anniversary. I pray it's not this difficult every year. I will always miss Anna and love her, but I pray the pain isn't so deep. Yesterday was one year since I talked to Anna. She had been upset, and we talked about it, and she was laughing at the end of our call, we both said I love you before we hung up. I am grateful those were our last words, but I sure wish it hadn't been our last conversation. I had tried to call her Monday to tell her I registered the girls for kindergarten that day, but didn't reach her. Then when I got a call from Nan that night it just didn't seem real. It was AWFUL. Like the worst pain imaginable. She joined Jesus. That's the only thing that's gotten me through this year is the fact that on April 4th she got to meet the Lord, and was immediately filled up with peace and joy. I imagine her in Heaven holding my baby and her other friend's baby. I imagine her singing and dancing, and I pray she's able to see us here on earth and I know she's my children's guardian angel. I have so many questions about heaven that I know won't be answered until I join Anna, and I'm sure when I do I will be so happy that I will have forgotten all my questions!

My family and I saw pink clouds yesterday as the day was ending, and I pointed them out to my kids and said, "I think Aunt Anna has turned the clouds pink to let you know she's with us". Brianna said, "Mommy, I think she's saying I love you!". So, we looked up at those clouds and said I love you, too! We blew kisses heavenward, and we smiled. I'm praying on Wednesday I can keep it together like that for my littles. We are joining Sara and her family on the beach in Anna's honor. Sara and Anna and I would go to the beach with Anna anytime she was in Florida, and it's a place where we both feel closer to Anna. I got sky lanterns that I'm hoping we can send up that won't be a debacle like the last time I tried in North Carolina! I'm counting on the fact that it's over water, so we should be okay!

Oh, Anna Katherine, I miss you so very much! I miss everything, our talks, the way we laughed, the way we were different and the way we accepted those differences, the way we were the same in many ways, the way you loved Christ, and were an amazing example to others, the way you loved my kids, my husband, me. I miss our marathon talks many times a week, I miss hearing you walk Buddy and compare him to my kids when he would get into something or be a mess, or be a sweet cuddler. I miss sharing our love of chocolate together, and our trips, and our shared joys in each other's lives. I miss how thoughtful you were, and how you were always there for me. I miss seeing your eyes light up, and your amazing smile. I miss how you always lit up a room. I miss how you would get upset with me sometimes and we could be so open and fix it right away. I miss how much fun we had. I miss being each other's biggest fan. I miss your huge heart. I miss our adventures. I miss seeing my kids interact with you, that brought me such unbelievable joy. I miss how you were as a Godmother. I miss how you would help my self esteem...how you thought freckles were beautiful, and my hate of stretch marks was ridiculous. I miss how we would shop together, and though our tastes were different it was so fun. I love that we both love the Loft, and if you found a deal in NC you'd call me right away to tell me. I miss remembering back on memories with you and laughing. I miss hearing you tell me about your day-to-day experiences. I miss hearing you get so passionate about things. I miss hugging you. I miss our I love yous. I miss waving goodbye until we can't see each other any more. I miss your listening ear. I miss everything. You are an amazing person, and I bet Heaven got even brighter when you entered. I love you so much!

I am so grateful for my circle of best friends who have gotten me through these difficult 12 months. Nelson, my parents, my family, Anna's parents, Sara (thank you for being able to talk about Anna with me and being a best friend! Our love of Anna is something that will bond us even more if that's even possible. Anna adored Evan just like I do, and I know she's watching over your sweet pea too!), Alison (Your check in's all the way from Hawaii are so appreciated...you have stayed so connected even though we are far, and I'm so grateful that our friendship which began in 5th grade is so strong and that you are a best friend I will have forever), Alison (Whenever you've called and I've answered because I needed that connect when I've been sad you have listened and let me cry and I'm thankful that you are a best friend to me. You have thanked Anna for your relationship with Christ, and I know how much that means to her), Kyle (Your words of encouragement have meant so much to me!), Theresa (for taking my girls when I couldn't function, and making us dinner when I couldn't, and just being there)...for being there for me, my kids, everything. I always felt kind of weird when I was asked, "Who is your best friend?" Whether it be from a new friend, or a survey on facebook, or something. I always said, I have 5 besides my husband, Anna, Sara, Alison, Alison and Kyle. Most people have one. I am so very grateful that God has allowed me to have so much love and amazing friendships. I couldn't have managed to get through this year without you. I'm grateful for Anna's husband, Shawn, for showing my kids love on their birthday and Christmas to let them know that he's there for them when Anna can't be, and sharing some of Anna's things with Brianna. She is so thankful to be able to look into the vanity that her Godmother grew up with, and cuddle a piglet that was her Aunt Anna's. For Anna's mom, Nan, who I couldn't have gotten through the year without her. We have prayed for each other, vented to one another, listened, cried, laughed and were with each other on Anna's birthday. She has sent treasures to my kids that will forever be special. She has written them notes often to let them know she cares and has given Brianna love for Anna since Anna can't. She tells me it's what Anna would want her to do for her Goddaughter, and that being Brianna's Godmother meant the world to her, and I'm grateful. They are big shoes to fill, that no one ever really could...but the fact that my loved ones are all stepping up and Anna's family are all caring so much just means the world to me. It's been so difficult navigating through this grief on my own, let alone watching my children have to figure out life without their Aunt Anna. It was devastating watching my girls age before my eyes as I watched them grieve their beloved Aunt Anna. It's still a process with their grief as it is my own. I promise I will try to follow in Anna's example and be the kind of friend and person she was every day. She left quite a legacy, one my children will know and respect their whole lives. Anna's ability to care for others was a gift from God. I am so grateful that I was blessed to have her as my chosen sister.