Lots and lots

So, our lives are always crazy. We always have so much going on here, and then I get behind in writing on here--and when I have a chance there's so much to write about that it's a bit daunting. Well, tomorrow we head to Disney and I'm ecstatic. I remember when we brought the girls when they were 12 months, and how electric everything was. Their eyes lit up over everything, and seeing the awe in their eyes was A-Mazing! We brought them back at 18 months, and it was even better. They were running at that point, and to see them laugh and the joy this magical place brought them made me turn into one of those crazy Disney people. Well, maybe not....but boy do I love Disney with my family. It'll be Joshua's first time (he's been to Epcot and Animal Kingdom, but we've been saving the best for his birthday :) ). We are going to get the big cheesy birthday pins for all 3 kids, and soak up the excitement around us. It's a Small World is closed until Nov., boo, so the classic disney ride will have to make it's mark on my boy in December when we head back for Disney at Christmastime. The girls are going to go on Splash Mountain tomorrow for the first time, well, as of now they are. Daily it changes due to their nerves ;). We'll see. I'm just so excited to be with my family of five in the happiest place in the world!

Ok, I have a boy who's sick of the toys I gave him, and needs to be put to sleep. What a week we have ahead of us!!!

Living with a loss

It's been almost 2 years since we lost our sweet baby. Last night I had a major catharsis over it. There should be disclaimers on shows if they bring up miscarriage, or D&C's....and last night on Gray's Anatomy they talked about both. For 12 weeks I loved our baby and thought about his or her future. I will always love our little bean. I wish I had known if it was a girl or boy. The Dr. hadn't planned to test my placenta until he saw it and then had suspicions it was a partial molar pregnancy. He didn't tell me it was sent in until I came back for my check up 2 weeks later. I wish I had known so I could have asked for them to see what the gender had been.


I have an ultrasound from 10 weeks where our baby looks like a perfect 10 week baby. I put it in a photo ornament and we put it on our tree every year. 2 months after our loss it was healing to have my baby on our tree and a part of the holidays with us. Last year it was painful. I wouldn't have Joshua if we hadn't lost that babe, and he truly was meant to be with our family, but he doesn't replace the sweet baby we lost.

There is a Mom in my molar group (a group of women who have all had complete or partial molar pregnancies who talk and can relate to one another), she had a complete molar pregnancy-had cancer from it had to go through 2 rounds of chemo and radiation...only to have another loss after she waited a year that is mandatory after a cmp and then got pregnant again and at 19 weeks just lost her baby boy. So so tragic. There is a group of us who do big group messages about every other day who went through the molar together, and then all went on to have healthy babes. They are such a blessing to me. My "molar girls" as I affectionately call them are possibly going to try and all get together in NYC next May. I don't know if it's in the cards for me financially, but I would love for it to work.


I try and look at what God was showing me, or the silver lining to it all, and of course Joshua and the bonds I made with these amazing women are wonderful blessings because of something so terrible. However, I just don't understand why babies are made and have beating hearts, only to not survive. I do know that our loss changed me. I don't bring up babies now with people...well, people I don't know well. I will never ask someone if they are going to have kids or anything baby related because you just don't know what they have been through. I'm more aware of everything that can go wrong. When I was pregnant with the girls I was nervous about ttts (twin to twin transfusion syndrome), but other than that I had a blissfully ignorant pregnancy. Then, I had pre-eclampsia and they were early...and I was more aware how incredibly unbelievable it is when things go perfectly in pregnancy because there is so much that can go wrong. With my pmp pregnancy I felt from day one that something was off. Maybe that was God trying to guard my heart. I will never forget all that we went through, and there are days I don't think about it...but boy when the pain hits me again-it hits hard. Today I will be praying for all the families with angel babies. This post went off on a lot of different tangents...if you've followed me this far, thank you.

TWO weeks...until birthday festivities!!!

CRAZY. Literally this has been the FASTEST year of my life. I remember being pregnant with the babe and the crazy emotions the night before going to the hospital like it was yesterday. How in the world has it been a year? My little 3 year olds already so wise for their age were days away from turning 4, and now they approach 5!!! In two weeks my girls will be the age that they begin kindergarten, the age when their mom turns 30! How are my babies, who were just 18 inches of sweetness about to be at this huge milestone of a birthday.

We have a lot planned for these amazing kids. We are headed to Disney the beginning of October. We decided to just do a day trip, and maybe an overnight in December.

Then, on J's actual birthday he has his Gymboree class, and then a trip to Toys 'R Us so he can have his birthday announced to the store and a treat (we did this with the girls on their 1st b-day too :) ). The girls will have a class party on Friday the 8th, and then the big party is on Saturday. I can't wait to celebrate all 3 of my babies. I do think I will be a hot mess though. I love the baby stage, and to know I'll never have an infant to cuddle with is a little hard to swallow. (Ok, friends, I'm counting on getting lots of baby time from your future babes ;) ). I don't agree with Joshua being a toddler at 12 mo. Maybe 18 mo., but at 12 mo. he's totally still a baby. Thank goodness he's a cuddler. He is the perfect last baby. He's sweet and giggly and cuddly, and everything I had wished and hoped.

Mikayla and Brianna are enjoying school...not the going every day part though. They are constantly asking when it will be the weekend and asking to stay home with me. At least this shows me I'm doing something right that they want to be with me ;). They are making new friends, and look so forward to recess when they can go on the playground and see Becca and Justine.

Joshua can now walk holding one hand. He sees the kids standing and walking at Gymboree and goes to find something to pull up on and stands and gives a look like, "hey, I can do it too!". He's started to have tantrums, over toys, food, basically whenever things aren't exactly how he wants it...so I am trying to redirect, distract, take away from the situation, not laugh :). The girls are big instigators for him because they are constantly in his personal space and he doesn't appreciate it. Naps are still a struggle. It's totally my fault for not doing crib naps early on. I used to rock the girls to sleep and said I wouldn't do that with the babe. Now the only way he naps is in my arms, or in the car. He's a rockstar sleeping at night so things could be worse :). The sippy cup is still not our friend, but it took the girls until 14 mo. when I got rid of bottles, so I'm thinking the babe is just on their time line too. Joshua is so interested in everything, and so unbelievably happy. He's the only kid in his Gymboree class to giggle throughout the class. He loves life, and I love soaking in his joy.

Class clowns?

The other day, the teacher tells me at pick up time that she had to talk to Mikayla because she crawled under the bathroom stall and left the door locked and started giggling with all the girls. Then, Brianna told me to look at her to see how she read her book at library time (with her headband over her eyes). She said everyone thought it was so funny. Oh goodness. I of course had the stern talk with them...we need to follow rules, make good choices, blah blah blah. As soon as I told Nelson he started laughing...yes, they are their father's daughters. My always sarcastic, always joking husband is very proud of his girls.

Brianna

Brianna is my sensitive girl with a big heart. The other day she went on and on while driving home from school. Literally 15 minutes with barely a breath...all because I told her she should make new friends and not just play with sister. She was worried that if she played with someone else on the playground it would hurt R and J (her best friends)'s feelings. We talked about how she could include everyone...how no one needed to be left out. Well, after going on and on she took a deep breath and said, "Thank you Mommy for listening to me". It was so so cute.

Well, tonight was Mikayla's night to pick the bedtime story, and she chose, Love You Forever. I read the book, and gave kisses and tucked the girls in. Then, Brianna got her serious face, and said, "Mommy, I want us to die at the same time". My eyes filled with tears, and I told her not to worry about that now. That hopefully we would go to Heaven when we're very old, and when Mommy goes to Heaven I will be in her heart and when it's her time I'll be waiting for her. She asked me how she would find me since your body stays on earth and just your spirit goes to Heaven (she's really listening when we explain things, huh!) I said, she'd know, and if not Jesus would direct her to me. These kind of topics are so so hard for me. I just want to scoop up my little, and tell her we are going to live happily ever after and nothing can hurt us. Though, I do want my kids to know about our faith, and trust that God has a perfect plan for us. It's such a fine line at this age though. Ugh...I'm crying now thinking about ever being away from my babies. Makes me thank God that I am their Mom, and pray that God's plan for us includes a long healthy life together.

Big, Big, Big

All 3 of the kids are getting TOO big. The girls like their new school. They don't like going every day though. Today, Mikayla cried about having to go to school. It was heartbreaking. She knows all my buttons and told me I'm the only teacher she wants. She was fine once she got to school, and was happy when I picked her up. It's just them needing to get used to the routine. By naptime and bedtime they are absolutely exhausted. Hopefully it won't be long until they are used to their new schedule.

Joshua is a bruiser and into everything. He crawls on his hands and knees now everywhere! He's so smart though and when he gets to the hardwood he switches to his army crawl so his knees don't hurt. He climbs everything...which is exhausting :). He got his first bruise :(. He was climbing onto my Grandma's chair, and lost his balance and hit his forehead.

I'm really enjoying the three of them playing together, and with the girls in school in the mornings our afternoons after nap have been really special. Yesterday we went swimming and it was so fun to see the girls giggle and "swim like mermaids", and hold the baby as he splashed and enjoyed watching his sisters play. Days like that are just perfect.