Living with a loss

It's been almost 2 years since we lost our sweet baby. Last night I had a major catharsis over it. There should be disclaimers on shows if they bring up miscarriage, or D&C's....and last night on Gray's Anatomy they talked about both. For 12 weeks I loved our baby and thought about his or her future. I will always love our little bean. I wish I had known if it was a girl or boy. The Dr. hadn't planned to test my placenta until he saw it and then had suspicions it was a partial molar pregnancy. He didn't tell me it was sent in until I came back for my check up 2 weeks later. I wish I had known so I could have asked for them to see what the gender had been.


I have an ultrasound from 10 weeks where our baby looks like a perfect 10 week baby. I put it in a photo ornament and we put it on our tree every year. 2 months after our loss it was healing to have my baby on our tree and a part of the holidays with us. Last year it was painful. I wouldn't have Joshua if we hadn't lost that babe, and he truly was meant to be with our family, but he doesn't replace the sweet baby we lost.

There is a Mom in my molar group (a group of women who have all had complete or partial molar pregnancies who talk and can relate to one another), she had a complete molar pregnancy-had cancer from it had to go through 2 rounds of chemo and radiation...only to have another loss after she waited a year that is mandatory after a cmp and then got pregnant again and at 19 weeks just lost her baby boy. So so tragic. There is a group of us who do big group messages about every other day who went through the molar together, and then all went on to have healthy babes. They are such a blessing to me. My "molar girls" as I affectionately call them are possibly going to try and all get together in NYC next May. I don't know if it's in the cards for me financially, but I would love for it to work.


I try and look at what God was showing me, or the silver lining to it all, and of course Joshua and the bonds I made with these amazing women are wonderful blessings because of something so terrible. However, I just don't understand why babies are made and have beating hearts, only to not survive. I do know that our loss changed me. I don't bring up babies now with people...well, people I don't know well. I will never ask someone if they are going to have kids or anything baby related because you just don't know what they have been through. I'm more aware of everything that can go wrong. When I was pregnant with the girls I was nervous about ttts (twin to twin transfusion syndrome), but other than that I had a blissfully ignorant pregnancy. Then, I had pre-eclampsia and they were early...and I was more aware how incredibly unbelievable it is when things go perfectly in pregnancy because there is so much that can go wrong. With my pmp pregnancy I felt from day one that something was off. Maybe that was God trying to guard my heart. I will never forget all that we went through, and there are days I don't think about it...but boy when the pain hits me again-it hits hard. Today I will be praying for all the families with angel babies. This post went off on a lot of different tangents...if you've followed me this far, thank you.