Love.

This year Christmas and the weeks surrounding it have been filled with love. Love for my husband, love for my kids, love for our friends, love for God and love for Anna. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't talk about her, and it makes some uncomfortable, I can tell, but it helps me. Anna was a big part of our Christmas. We thought about her singing Happy Birthday to Jesus. We read Christmas stories she sent for the girls years ago. While at Disney I told the girls Anna sang the high note in Silent Night in high school, and while listening to Silent Night at Candlelight (where Anna and I had been a part of) I held my kids close. Everyone says the holidays are hard when you lose a loved one, and they weren't kidding. However, there was and is lots of love. I'm grateful for that.

The kids made out like bandits for Christmas. They got everything and more that they wanted. I told them we need to get rid of a lot of their old toys to make room for the new, and the girls asked if we could give them to kids that need toys. I thought it was so sweet that they didn't ask me to keep their old toys, but instead wanted to help others. They are really good kids.

I'm holding onto these last couple days of 2011 tightly, and unfortunately I can't control the new year from happening. I'm so dreading it. I don't want to start a year Anna isn't a part of. I don't want her 31st birthday to come and not celebrate it. I don't want April 4th to arrive and have it be a year since I got the worst call of my life. I'm absolutely dreading 2012. I know I need to be positive, that I have a lot to live for, but it's HARD. February 20th was the last day I saw Anna and I don't want that date to come, and have it be a year since I last saw her beautiful smile. These entries are depressing. I'll write a happy post of the kids soon. They do bring me so much joy, and have been doing such fun things. It's nice to have this as an outlet though.