Prayers needed

We head to North Carolina on Thursday and we really need some prayers. I'm nervous about how I'm going to emotionally handle this trip. I'm also nervous about my little girls' hearts, and their healing. I do think this trip is needed. Anna's family has been such a support to me, and I think being close to Anna's loved ones and visiting her resting place is something she would want. It gives me comfort to do something that I think will make her smile.

Lots of emotions going on, always missing my beautiful friend, and always aching. Thank God for my 3 littles who can show me the sunshine in life every day.

Here is Brianna who is very much her father's daughter...she breaks out Nelson's dance moves and will leave you smiling...

Birthday Post!

I am officially 30!

Some of my closest friends met me in Vegas to bring in this new decade in style! Alison came from Hawaii, the other Alison from Washington, Kyle and Robert from New York, Sabrina from North Carolina and then Theresa, Andy, Cortney, Nelson and me from Florida! I even had some close friends who couldn't make it to Vegas, I am so absolutely blessed to have the people in my life that I have. You get to a point in your life (well, some people do) where you have to decide who is right in your life. When you pass the days of partying every weekend (hmm, well, that was never me), and you want your friends to be good role models to your children. Where quality out weighs quantity. I truly feel like I have the world's bestest best friends. I have felt that way for years. I am very picky about who I let in my circle, because why mess with a good thing? I have the perfect circle of friends, and if I let you in you know it's because I think you are pretty awesome.

We all met for lunch to kick of the trip at Sugar Factory!

Vegas was awesome. Limo rides, partying at one of Vegas' newest nightclubs-we were on the VIP list!, frozen hot chocolate, dancing and laughing, there was just so much fun. One of the highlights for me was Saturday night. We all met in Kyle and Robert's suite (seriously they got upgraded because the room they booked wasn't ready)...bedroom, living room, dining room and 2 bathrooms!!! Well, all 10 of us were sitting in a big circle eating pizza, drinking pineapple and malibu (birthday girl's favorite) and other drinks, and answering questions from a barguments app on our phones. It was so fun hearing my friends laugh and share and just be together. We were all dressed up and went out afterwards...just loved all being together. Anna was VERY very missed. She would have LOVED the trip. There were many times I brought her up, and I felt like I was making people uncomfortable. For me though she's a part of my every thought, and all my past memories, so it's inevitable that she'll be brought up. I also don't want her life to be forgotten, so I talk about her often. My actual birthday once I returned home was almost more difficult without her. She always made such a big deal about my birthday, and not getting a phone call from her and hearing the joy in her voice was heartbreaking.

Saturday night~loved our together time

I decided that I wanted to do something big for my big 3-0. So, I donated 10 inches of my hair to locks of love. Cancer has affected SO many people I love...so, this was something small I could do for a child who has suffered from this horrible disease. Anna knew I was planning on doing this. I decided around the 1st of the year that I would do this. I love that we had talked about it. I hope from Heaven that she sees what all is going on and is seeing the daily kisses my kids and I send up to her, but, I won't know until I'm there what all she sees. So, it comforts me that when she was here we talked about this. It's really difficult for me when things arise that we haven't talked about. We talked about everything. At least a dozen times still during the week I ache to call her. I pray she can see what all is going on from her place in Heaven. At least I am confident about her joy in Heaven, and that is able to give me comfort.

Before and After :)

3 months

This weekend has been especially difficult. I miss Anna so much. She loved the 4th of July. She got engaged over the 4th of July weekend. She loved family get togethers, being with friends, laughter, fun, fireworks...all the things you think of on the 4th. On top of that it's exactly 3 months since her passing.

My Nannie's birthday was July 2nd. My Nannie is my Mom's mom. She passed away in 1998. I was 16. I was very close to her and had a lot of memories with her. Crazy that I had more years with Anna, 18 years. Not enough time with either of them. Nelson and I went to Brandon where my Nannie and Grandpa Tucker are buried. I never got the chance to meet my Grandpa Tucker (my Nannie's husband, my Mom's dad). He passed away in 1968. We brought flowers, and prayed, and sang Happy Birthday to my Nannie and my children's Great Grandma. They call her Great Nannie...which she would have absolutely loved. She would ask my siblings and me to call her beautiful when we entered her room. No modesty there :).

Check out Joshua running away thinking we were at a park. It was kind of nice to have him lighten the mood. Children are really really good at that.

At the end of the month we head to North Carolina to visit with Anna's parents and Shawn and pray where Anna's body was laid to rest. I wanted the girls to know what to expect so going to the cemetary in Brandon was good. They had A LOT of questions, and their vision of what it was going to be like was gruesome and I think they were relieved when we got there. Brianna got a baby wipe and was vigurously cleaning her Great Grandparent's stone and wanting it to be perfect for them. Mikayla didn't want to leave when it was time. I think she felt closer and a pull to the Great Grandparents she's never met. I'm hopeful that they have a good, healing experience like this when we visit their Aunt Anna. I'm worried about how I'll do with my children there, but praying I can keep it together as well as possible. In the morning when I wake up on the 4th I know Anna will be my first thought like every morning...and I will celebrate with my family and some friends with her close to my heart all day. So very thankful for my beautiful best friend and the example of a kind, loving, giving, forgiving, Christ loving person she was.

Live, Love and Laugh

What a weekend...it went so fast!

Friday, the girls had a friend spend the night. They had so much fun...made dirt dessert, watched Ramona and Beezus (with Selena Gomez of course!), stayed up late and talked, and then Saturday morning played. Saturday we went to Home Depot for paint (a little summer project for me!), and there was a workshop going on that Nelson got to do with the kids. It was so great, and Nelson LOVED it. We started early honoring him!! Then, after naps we went swimming because it is SO hot out. Joshua kept swimming back and forth between us and floating. He was AWESOME. The girls are getting more confident too! Sunday was all about Dad! We let Nels sleep in and gave him breakfast in bed (eggs, biscuits, gravy), then he opened his gifts (picture of the kids, and the new ESPN book he wanted.) Then, we met my family at the Rays game. The kids had a blast. It really was such a great day!

After moving the kids' mattresses back after the sleepover Nelson asked me if I thought they were ready to no longer have bedrails. So, we took them down Saturday. So unbelievable that they are so big! They marched into VBS today and hugged the kids they knew, and were so excited. When did they get so independent and big?

Tomorrow is our 8th anniversary. Can't believe it's been 8 years since I married my best friend. I feel so blessed that Nelson is my partner. There's no one else in the world I'd rather have by my side. He is the perfect father, and cares about my heart's needs more than I've ever seen anyone care about someone. Tomorrow night we are off to celebrate us! Dinner and a movie is the plan! I have been looking back at pictures from my wedding, and Anna was such an important part of that day and preparing for my wedding day. Her smiling face is throughout so many pictures, and yet I wish for more pictures. I added some to the stack of pictures for Brianna's book that I'm putting together, and she was so excited. The only way I can seem to get her to talk about her feelings is through this book...so I'm glad that I can do this for her, but boy is it difficult....writing about all these wonderful times with a best friend I need. I don't want our story to be over, and I hate that it is...I KNOW I will see her one day, but I want her here, and it's just so so hard. I feel like my every thought is consumed with missing Anna and it's just so exhausting being emotional all the time and so very deeply sad. You'd think it would mean I'd sleep well, but sleep is very difficult these past couple months. I'm praying I can just take all the beautiful memories as I put the book together and that it will help me as I miss her so much. Anna and I sure did have so many fun times, and we loved hard, and we laughed so much.

Peaks and Pits

Well, I got this idea from a reality show I watched, but, it's something we've implemented in our family dinners. I love it! For the past week we ask the girls what the peak of their day was, and what the pit of their day was. Brianna's all week has been something about Joshua hugging her or playing with her, and her pit has been about a tantrum she had over not wanting to eat dinner or complaining about something. It's funny that we have the same pit of the day ;). Mikayla (my big pleaser) usually says "everything" is her peak of the day and nothing is her pit ;). It's been so fun opening up more conversation and laughing together as a family over dinner as we talk about our day.

We have also started a family prayer journal. I love it. I got the idea from a book we read in the Bible study I was a part of, "Raising Children of Faith". It's just a notebook that the kids decorated, and every night we go around and share prayer requests. What's awesome is that we look back and can see God has healed whoever was hurt/sick, or God has answered our prayer for our friend to have a safe pregnancy or have someone arrive safely into town. It's a great reminder to the kids that God is listening, and prayers are being answered. We also ask Joshua who/what he'd like like to pray for. Usually it's Grandpa, Uncle or balls. We are thankful for toy balls. My son could throw a ball back and forth for hours and I'm glad he wants to thank God for them ;).

Today, marked week 2 of swim lessons and Joshua floated on his own! Andy, our friend and his instructor, is so impressed with how well he is doing! He taught the girls, and has said Joshua has been the best Perez. Ha! I really think the fact that he's younger is really a benefit. Today was a good day.

Summer...

Summer is here, and it's been really nice not having to rush in the mornings. We enjoyed having my brother home for a few weeks, but now he's in New Jersey for the summer working with the Brotherhood of Hope. He's hoping to become a Brother, and will continue working with them in Boston in August.

For the longest time the girls would (and still do) attack Joshua at all times with love, but still kind of forceful (in a they are 5, not because they are trying to be forceful kind of way). Well, lately, the tides have turned, and he's obsessed with them. He wakes up and says "SIS!", and puts out one hand for M and one hand for B. It's ADORABLE! He gets so upset when they don't want to play with him now!

We haven't been doing too much...just playing at home, Joshua's swim lessons, a music with Mar class, and baking some with the girlies. I'm trying to get more of a schedule going this summer. Because it already feels like it's flying by, and I want to enjoy our last summer before the girls are in elementary school to the fullest!

I love that we live close enough to the beach to just spontaneously decide to go and watch the sunset. We went tonight, and it was nice. I feel closer to Anna at the beach. When the breeze hits I feel her embrace, and when the sky turns her favorite color pink I know she is with us. It's a spiritual experience. My girls talk about their Aunt Anna and it is a good experience. Missing her so so so much.

Two Months

Saturday will be two months since Anna's passing. I have been reflecting on her heart...her amazing beautiful heart. She made me feel like someone who is worthy of everything wonderful. She made me feel like every word I had to say was important.

Anna and I in 2002 in Asheville at a Better Than Ezra concert. We are both wearing sign language "I love you" charms that we got each other.

When we were in middle school and high school I would complain about my freckles, and she would tell me how she so wished for freckles when she was little. She told me how beautiful my freckles are. My girls count their freckles and are thrilled when they notice a new one. I think of Anna and how she made freckles sound beautiful. That's how my little girls view them. I feel so blessed to have had a best friend who always was so good at making me feel beautiful and worthy. I pray I am that kind of friend, and that I teach the girls how to show those types of characteristics.

Anna and I in Salisbury for her 21st birthday

Laughter was huge in our relationship. We laughed all the time. I loved when Anna found something so funny that she couldn't talk, and it was just this deep belly laugh. I can picture her face right now with her eyes closed because she's laughing so hard and her smile is so huge. Our friendship was so full. I hate that there won't be more of those moments. I find myself just getting angry and unbelievably sad about Anna missing things. I have to keep telling myself that she is with us, just not in the way I imagined. I also have to keep reminding myself that she is full of joy, and that's all I ever want for her.

Anna in 2002

I've suffered with a terrible headache the past couple days and Brianna asked me countless times yesterday if I felt better. I finally realized she was scared. So, I said I will be fine, and that I want to be here to see her grandchildren, and Mommy prays that we'll have a very long life together, and I don't want her to worry about anything. She said, "If something does happen who will take care of me?" Dagger to the heart. I told her she didn't need to worry about that, that Mommy was going to do everything I'm suppossed to do to live a healthy life. She saw her Aunt Anna as full of life, and nothing wrong. Anna went to the doctor when she was suppossed to, and yet still her time on Earth was cut short. I hate that we are still waiting for that definitive answer, and praying it's not inconclusive. I think just having the WHY will answer so many unanswered questions.

Anna has always been a constant in my life for as long as I can remember. I don't really remember much of my childhood...my earliest memory is from when I was about 8. That's why I think scrapbooking is so important to me. I want to document and remember everything. Anna was my best friend for 18 years. She's in every one of my scrapbooks, and one of the main people throughout the pages. As I was working on my scrapbooks it was killing me that her bright smiling face wouldn't be there in future scrapbooks. So, I have decided I'm going to get a symbol, I'm thinking a butterfly sticker, to put on every other page or so to reflect Anna throughout my scrapbooks. I'll write on one of the pages that the butterfly represents Anna. This will be a good way to have her memory carry on as these scrapbooks are passed on in my family. It'll also be a way for me to have a sweet reminder of Anna when I'm looking back at something that I think she should have been at and it'll remind me that she is there with us. She had this butterfly shirt in high school that she loved. She was so gorgeous that she could pull it off....I could never pull of this shiny completely covered in butterflies shirt. I will look at the stickers and remember...

Anna in 1999