Thirty-one

Brianna and I are back from our trip to Asheville. We went Thursday and got back late Saturday. It was a fast trip full of love, good memories, sadness, joy, and lots of time missing Anna. We loved our time with Anna's parents. They did such a great job making Brianna feel so at home (me too!), and shared so many things with us that Anna loved. I absolutely loved seeing my girl enjoy movies, books, food, and tea parties that Anna loved so much.

Brianna on the plane bright and early!

Thursday, we went and got the Mountain Eclair from a local bakery that Anna loved to get anytime she visited her parents. It was huge and Nan, Brianna and I all shared it. I could see why Anna loved it!

We then went and got balloons and Brianna insisted on 4 green and 4 pink and a Winnie the Pooh balloon to put where Anna is laid to rest. Green and pink have been Anna's favorite colors since she was younger than Joshua! Even at 30 she absolutely loved those colors. Brianna loves picking out pink and green things and having it remind her of her Godmother. She also loves that Pooh and Piglet are favorites they share.

Brianna waiting for balloons for her Godmother

Friday, Anna's birthday, we got up and had some of Anna's favorites for breakfast, and then went to the Biltmore. Brianna and I had never been and we enjoyed seeing the biggest house in America! Then, we went to the farm at the Biltmore. We saw so many animals...Anna would have just loved it.

Steve, Brianna and Nan in front of the Biltmore


We loved that this chicken was just on top of this goat and he didn't mind!

After the Biltmore we headed home and Nan read more of Anna's favorite childhood stories to Brianna and we got Anna's favorite dinner ready, and while it was cooking we went to where Anna is laid to rest and scattered rose petals over her and Shawn had come and put flowers. Brianna added some artificial flowers that will last when we are away. We then went home and had dinner and a tea party with chocolate birthday cake in honor of Anna. Brianna made the icing on the cake and was so proud! We then watched a Shirley Temple movie that Anna loved to watch when she was young. Brianna loved it! It was extremely difficult, but full of beautiful love for Anna and talk about memories that were joyful, and tried to take comfort that even though we are sad...Anna is full of joy.

I love this picture of Brianna with Anna's Buddy dog

Buddy watching Nan set up the birthday tea party...Brianna put in green and pink candles for her Godmother

On Saturday Brianna helped feed the birds with Mr. Steve, and loved it! We then walked the dogs and saw cows and calves on our walk! Brianna loved walking Buddy. I love petting Buddy and knowing my hands are stroking Anna's dog, and that she pet him so many times. Many of our talks were while she was walking Buddy. I feel a strong connection to her Buddy dog. We then ate lunch, and had one last tea party-Brianna got to have 3 during our visit! Then, we headed home. Was that crazy! A mechanical problem in Asheville made us miss our connection in Atlanta. Then, we get to Atlanta and they had booked us on a 9pm flight home. Which meant I had a very tired and hungry girl on my hands. Luckily they found room on a 6:50 flight...so we were only 1.5 hours later getting home than we expected. I got dinner for Brianna as we ran through the airport, and she ate on the plane before we took off. I said, "Oooh, what an adventure!", and Brianna said, "An adventure of love". Totally, sweet girl. I had a friend tell me when I told him I worried about if I was making the right choice bringing Brianna, and he told me I was being such a great example of true friendship. Those words meant the world to me. Anna was an amazing friend, and example of true friendship every single day, and I pray I can be the type of friend she was to me every single day.

Feeding the birds

Brianna in front of the calf

walking Buddy on a super windy day!


Mr. G and Mrs. G at the tea party

Mrs. P and Miss P at the tea party

My girl...check out that pinky ;)


listening to Anna's favorite stories...Buddy and Skip were listening too!

It was interesting watching my girls grieve these past couple days. Mikayla I watched from afar, but boy are they different. Brianna gets quiet, and holds it all in. So, Thursday and Friday she was extremely quiet. Saturday she was her chatty self, but once we hugged the Gregory's good bye, we walked to security in the airport and with teary eyes Brianna asked if she could run and get one last hug and I said yes. So, then, we headed through security and go and sit by the gate and she lost it. She said she didn't want to leave because she liked being in North Carolina and feeling close to Anna. She didn't want to leave Ms. Nan and Mr. Steve and she said she just missed her Aunt Anna. It was hard, but good seeing her express these emotions. On Friday Nelson called me after dinner time when they were celebrating Anna at home with a chocolate cake. Mikayla was sobbing. Mikayla handles things a lot like me...needs to talk things out, has lots of questions and cries a lot. It was SO hard hearing these emotions and not being able to scoop her up and fix it. I told her her Aunt Anna is with her always in her heart, and that helped to calm her down. Sometimes I feel like my grief is so hard to bear because I bear all my children's grief too. Even with Joshua...I try every day to mention Anna to him because he won't have concrete memories with her, but he absolutely will have memories from me. It's so hard knowing my boy won't know his Aunt Anna, but I am grateful my girls will always have lasting memories.

"I thank my God upon every rememberance of you."~Philippians 1:3

One year later...

A year ago today I was in North Carolina celebrating Anna's 30th birthday. It's been a difficult day. Tomorrow I think will be harder. Tomorrow will be one year since our last embrace. It was a good day last February 20, 2011. I had no idea then how much that day would mean. Anna woke up with me and my family and made us breakfast: eggs, bacon, toast. Then, we got ready and packed up the car. We headed to a park where Anna and Shawn played with the kids. Then, we knew we needed to hit the road. We had to stop for lunch and Anna suggested Cheesecake Factory. I'm so glad we said yes. We had a nice lunch together that day. I remember hugging Anna as she was heading into the mall with Shawn and we were heading back to Florida. It was a big wonderful hug. It was full of love, and we clung a little longer since we would both miss each other as soon as we turned to walk away. The trip was so fast, and we cherished every minute together. I had no idea that would be my last time seeing my best friend.

Our last picture together on 2/19/11 at her 30th birthday party

Anna at the park with my girls on 2/20/11...Oh how they love their Aunt Anna

Brianna's last picture with her Godmother at the Cheesecake Factory on 2/20/11

I miss Anna terribly. It hasn't gotten easier, or more bearable. I am so grateful though that the Lord promises I will embrace Anna again. I'm grateful I know Anna's in heaven and that because of my relationship with the Lord I will be in heaven someday too!

The other day I registered Joshua for preschool, and it was a dreary rainy day, and I cried the whole way to the school. I cried because Anna would have felt every emotion with me. She would have been sad with me that my baby was big enough for school, and felt joy with me that he would have this new experience. We would have talked so much about it all, and I would have felt completely understood like she had an amazing way of making me feel. New things are really hard to do without Anna here. I had to remind myself that Anna's not upset about missing these things because she can only feel joy in heaven! What a gift! I'm grateful for the joy Anna feels. I wish that's all Anna had felt here on earth.

Thursday Brianna and I head to North Carolina to honor my best friend, and my girl's Godmother on her birthday. I am going to get to hug her parents who have been such a comfort in my life this past year. Brianna is going to get to watch movies Anna loved at Brianna's age, and play with her tea set with the baby doll her Aunt Anna gave her for her 5th birthday. It's going to be emotional, and hard, but definitely where I need to be. Anna would want this.

Difficult week ahead, but there is good throughout it all...in the love of my husband and children, new baby (not mine ;)!), loving family and friends, Ash Wednesday and the reminder of how Jesus did so much for us, and because of that I know Anna's in heaven and full of joy. 40 days Jesus went without food or water...then carried a cross, and died on that cross. He even screamed out, "God why have you forsaken me". So, to those of us who are human and get angry about the pain we feel we know Jesus understands. It comforts me to know that God is with us in this journey of grief, and at the end of my life here on earth I will be able to live eternally in His kingdom! I love that I envision Anna holding my baby in heaven and someday I will join them...oh how wonderful that will be.

So...I'm addicted to twitter. I thought it was stupid whenever I heard about it and signed up months ago because a friend of a friend was having a contest on there. Well, I never really got it. Recently though, I love it. Nelson got hooked because he was getting his sports news immediately on there, and has been hooked. So-I gave it a second chance. I found out about Heidi and Seal seperating before E! News had it posted! Then, I found out how much I love posting random things. On facebook this would seem odd. On twitter it's embraced! I love it! My handle is MBandJsMom :)

On the family front, Mikayla and Brianna are becoming such wonderful readers. Brianna is still such a perfectionist, and gets so mad if she doesn't get it just right. Mikayla's ok not getting something the first time and working on it. Here is a video I took recently of M reading me a book. She got this book off the bookshelf after never looking at it and read most the words. There were a couple words she asked for help with, and then when she was comfortable I took a video of her, literally a few minutes after looking at this book for the first time!



Here's a video of Brianna singing to Joshua at Hollywood Studios while we wait for a show to start. I thought it was so sweet!

2012

I'm naming this the year of travel. I want to be around people I love, and make every moment count. We haven't hit the lottery, so it's going to be close trips, or short trips, but trips that matter.

In February Brianna and I are going to North Carolina. I want to be with Anna's parents for her birthday and visit where my best friend is laid to rest. Then, in April or May Nelson and I are going to NY to celebrate my close friend's birthday, and have a late celebration for Nelson's birthday. My annual girl's trip is in the works too! I have to bring Mikayla somewhere at some point too, and she's hoping for Seattle...I would love that. I'm hoping it all works out!

Nana, the hero, and Gracie.

This year hasn't gone exactly as I was hoping it would. Nelson's best friend, Menash, lost his home, 3 out of 4 of their pets and all their belongings in a house fire. It's devastating, but the important thing is that Menash, Nichole and all 3 girls are just fine. It's such a blessing that they got out in time. Their dog, Nana, who didn't make it made Menash aware of the fire, and she is such a hero. Also, Menash's brother's wife, Erin, has stage 4 breast cancer, and after a trip to Houston she didn't get the news we were all hoping for. BUT, God is good. We are praying that God heals Erin. Erin is a wonderful person to use to show God's goodness, and she's doing a wonderful job showing other's God's light. Please pray for our friends. There is no way something could have happened to Nelson's best friend, after what I've been dealing with for the past 9 months. We seriously would have moved to an island and put our kids in a bubble. 2012, you are welcome to give us health, happiness, and joy!

New Year

Well, I took all these lemons and decided to make lemonade yesterday. We did a lot of Anna's favorites...and it felt good to end the year that way.

First, we went to a dog parade. Dogs in costume, and some who weren't paraded around the Botanical Gardens, and then did tricks and earned prizes. It was nice, and in this really happy/sad moment a Buddy dog (Anna called golden retrievers Buddy dogs because of her own Golden, Buddy) went right up to the girls and Anna just would have loved it.

Then, we went to the beach. Anna HAD to go to the beach whenever she visited. It was such a perfect place for her. I feel close to Anna when we go. The kids enjoyed it so much...even though the water was too chilly for them to go in they loved playing in the sand, playing with a frisbee and enjoying the day.

We went to a pizza place on the way home and Nelson ordered Mountain Dew. I smiled because in high school that was Anna and my drink of choice :).

We, then headed home and after giving the kids a bath we did an early countdown with sparkling grape juice, ate oreo truffles, and watched Dolphin Tale.

So, difficult starting 2012 without being able to see or hear Anna, but she IS always in my heart, my memories...and someday we will be together for eternity.

By the way...I was talking to the girls about resolutions. I told them mine were to eat healthier, and excercise every day. Mikayla said, "My resolutions are to ride my bike without training wheels and to ice skate at the mall". Brianna said, "My resolutions are to kiss Justin Bieber and get a boyfriend" Oh my. Here's to Mikayla and me achieving our resolutions-cheers!

Love.

This year Christmas and the weeks surrounding it have been filled with love. Love for my husband, love for my kids, love for our friends, love for God and love for Anna. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't talk about her, and it makes some uncomfortable, I can tell, but it helps me. Anna was a big part of our Christmas. We thought about her singing Happy Birthday to Jesus. We read Christmas stories she sent for the girls years ago. While at Disney I told the girls Anna sang the high note in Silent Night in high school, and while listening to Silent Night at Candlelight (where Anna and I had been a part of) I held my kids close. Everyone says the holidays are hard when you lose a loved one, and they weren't kidding. However, there was and is lots of love. I'm grateful for that.

The kids made out like bandits for Christmas. They got everything and more that they wanted. I told them we need to get rid of a lot of their old toys to make room for the new, and the girls asked if we could give them to kids that need toys. I thought it was so sweet that they didn't ask me to keep their old toys, but instead wanted to help others. They are really good kids.

I'm holding onto these last couple days of 2011 tightly, and unfortunately I can't control the new year from happening. I'm so dreading it. I don't want to start a year Anna isn't a part of. I don't want her 31st birthday to come and not celebrate it. I don't want April 4th to arrive and have it be a year since I got the worst call of my life. I'm absolutely dreading 2012. I know I need to be positive, that I have a lot to live for, but it's HARD. February 20th was the last day I saw Anna and I don't want that date to come, and have it be a year since I last saw her beautiful smile. These entries are depressing. I'll write a happy post of the kids soon. They do bring me so much joy, and have been doing such fun things. It's nice to have this as an outlet though.

The Hot Toy!

This year the girls both asked for a LeapPad. This was my first year hunting for the "hot toy". Now more are on the shelves, but for weeks there were none, and honestly I kind of went into a panic. This was the ONE thing they really wanted, and I had to make their wish come true.

My friend told me she could use a discount at the store where she works, and asked if I'd like her to pick up two, this was mid-November. I was thankful, and said yes! Well, they were sold out! She needed one for her daughter, so we both got nervous. I ended up finding one at Toys 'R Us. After tons of phone calls, and finding out when deliveries come in, I sent Nelson there early in the morning when they opened. They had 5, and would only sell one per person. So, we were still on the hunt for one. Craziness. I signed up at zoolert.com after seeing a comment on Leapfrog's facebook page suggesting this. I got many alerts that there were some in stock, and after following the link to purchase they would already be gone! Well, 2 days after signing up for zoolert, I was able to buy one at barnesandnoble.com! Yay!! So, now I have two LeapPad's tucked away for my girlies to open Christmas morning. Unfortunately, they heard me calling all the time...I tried to hide it, but those girls hear everything!! I didn't even realize they heard me, until they were telling Santa what they wanted, and didn't list the LeapPad. I asked why they didn't ask for their biggest wish list item, and they said, "Oh, because you and Daddy are getting us that!". Oh. Well, they will be happy girls Christmas morning.

For a minute there I was getting wrapped up in the silly present, and not focusing on the fact that it's just a present. We only got them one game. We are going to get them more games for good behavior. They are pricey, so if they show us that they can not whine, fight with one another, and show just overall good behavior for awhile then they will be able to choose a new game. I'm hoping it's really good incentive for them!

If you ever have a hot toy you need I suggest signing up at zoolert.com, and be patient because I'm sure you'll find your hot toy, too!